My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.