I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.