Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”