After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Spider-cat: No One Home
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up