Have kids, they said
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
3% human
97% stress
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
🛁
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.