MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
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Oh yeah that’s it
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”