[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth