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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
how to market bottled water to dads
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.