You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane