*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
You Might Also Like
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Morning.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I found your tweet-up…
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No