Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.