Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
October already? What’s next? November????
saving face 👀
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.