Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”