I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
a public service announcement
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money