*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.