“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?