*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
fly smarter, not harder
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away