Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019