Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first