Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.