[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*pronounces fake like saké*
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores