(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.