blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’m listening
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?