If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.