The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”