As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Flock of bats
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*exercises sarcastically*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Previously On Persistence 😎
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.