Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
#milo
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.