I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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me working on my assignments ^-^
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids