Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy