When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.