nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Ok, but like, how married are you?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.