Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.