My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore