[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
This raises questions
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY