Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I think I’ll stand
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo