When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.