me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Breaking news:
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
🔦🌙👣
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.