I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
honestly, i need both:
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.