Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes