[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.