I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine