stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.