Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple