If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.