Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Always
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar