Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
buys donuts instead
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.