if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
You Might Also Like
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
#parenting
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.