Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
getting groceries
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams