a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”