#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off